It happens when I'm gardening...

(Wrote this last weekend... )

I have started gardening as a form of personal therapy. It's working out well and hasn't cost a fortune... yet...

But I have noticed that memories come back to me while I'm gardening. Still to decipher if that's a good thing or not. It might be.

Two days ago on Thursday July 19th 2018, I was at work, planning ahead and checking the calendar. I spotted the date and thought "why is this date ringing a bell?" I couldn't figure it out at all and I never thought to ask anyone.

Had a lovely busy day yesterday at a family wedding. Beautiful day, Friday July 20th... still couldn't figure out about the day before. 

Today, Saturday July 21st, I'm digging a border in my back garden. Hopes and dreams are swimming around in my head... and it dawns on me. July the 19th, Thursday this year in 2018, was Wednesday last year in 2017... the day we followed my Mum's coffin in the hearse, Garfield too, down the dual carriageway, through the Jack Lynch tunnel and towards the crematorium. Garfield was the cuddly toy we didn't need anymore. Mum got a kick out of its goofy face and big eyes, Garfield kept Mum company in her hospice room for her final weeks and was there when we went to say goodbye, the last time. The memory of Garfield is one that lightens the mood, puts a smile on my face but also gives me that feeling of finality. In order to move on and mourn the loss of Mum, I'm glad we let Garfield go with her on her final journey.

In a way, I'm grateful the date didn't stick. It may not hold much significance in the future either. And yet, the day passed by quietly - another first for my family and I.

The welcome distraction this week - my cousin's wedding - is significant, however. Much better to focus on the positive of July 20th 2018. A happier occasion where our family once again reunited and bonded. A day I hope to remember more often in the years to come and may well do so if I keep up my gardening therapy 💞

Trying to stay positive can be as easy as 1-2-8

Some days, positivity is just not in our makeup.

On my low days, I gravitate towards inspirational, clichè quotes and some positive scriptures to find some peace in my own feelings and situation.

Life without tears will be well-overdue for many but bang on time for everyone. And I long for it myself, both impatiently and patiently. Such a contradiction, but I mean - while I wait, I know I can hold on for longer and sometimes I really don't want to wait, because reality sucks so often.

My work life has order. I have systems in place and routine is golden. My home life has order in parts and requires more order, mainly in our minds. We fill our time with friends, family, spiritual activities, work and our energy gets sapped with joyous things, but our energy gets sapped... A customer at work recently mentioned "this rat race" and it's true. Some weeks, I can't breathe for the housework - the laundry, the dishes and the clean clothes that need to be put away because we've all been busy throughout the week.

I want to decorate. But general cleaning and tidying the same places each week/day takes up my free time. School holidays may or may not give the opportunities I desire. And there within lies an issue. I desire a clean and clear home. Less stuff in our home so we have less stuff on our mind. A simple life is craved. One where our keys, wallets and coats are exactly where they can be found before walking out the door. One where a bed is made daily, the carpet is regularly vacuumed, the room looks clear and inviting when we return to it each night. The one where my family feel happy and content in. Soon.

(I typed this in June. Still applies and I'm decluttering again)

The voice on the answering machine

I knew it was there. The message. I avoided checking new messages because I didn't want to upset the machine. Myself.

Tonight, I played the messages because I realised I should check the 3 others that were definitely different people. And then I let it run to message number 4. And 5. And 6. And I forgot about number 7.

Mum.

Message number 4 is my favourite. She apologized for something that was no issue at all but lovely to hear her say sorry, a rare and endearing moment if you were blessed enough to know my mother.

I've been missing her like crazy these past few weeks and it can bring tears to my eyes at the strangest times. Grief knocks on my door when I least expect it. It's not a weakness. It's a part of my life chapter without my mum. She passed away 8 months ago yesterday and some days I am at peace with it. Other days, I'm really not too happy about it all. Memories about flaws, criticisms and insecurities are overshadowed by memories of her kindness, generosity and wise practical advice. There is so much I miss about her presence and we talk about her regularly in our home and life, so we keep her close to our mind and heart.

Message number 5 and 6, I can tell she was sounding low and tired, not herself. She tried very hard to keep positive and upbeat, but some days she just couldn't fake it with family and we'd see her fold. That broke my heart when I knew she was struggling and I couldn't do much to help her with that, only listen and try to comfort her. I had no preconceived ideas of how life would be like without her because I was really hoping it would take a very long time to get there. 20 months was too short. A good thing and a not so good thing all in 1. I guess it was also a good thing for her not to suffer for long, not so good for us because time became so precious.

We will see her again. The waiting game is real and not easy but it is so reassuring to have faith in her coming to life again in the near future, and being without pain and suffering ever again.  I won't need the voicemail messages. We'll have her back with us. Cancer-free. Multiple Sclerosis-free. Pain-free. Worry-free. Free.

A new life is just around the corner.