I knew it was there. The message. I avoided checking new messages because I didn't want to upset the machine. Myself.
Tonight, I played the messages because I realised I should check the 3 others that were definitely different people. And then I let it run to message number 4. And 5. And 6. And I forgot about number 7.
Mum.
Message number 4 is my favourite. She apologized for something that was no issue at all but lovely to hear her say sorry, a rare and endearing moment if you were blessed enough to know my mother.
I've been missing her like crazy these past few weeks and it can bring tears to my eyes at the strangest times. Grief knocks on my door when I least expect it. It's not a weakness. It's a part of my life chapter without my mum. She passed away 8 months ago yesterday and some days I am at peace with it. Other days, I'm really not too happy about it all. Memories about flaws, criticisms and insecurities are overshadowed by memories of her kindness, generosity and wise practical advice. There is so much I miss about her presence and we talk about her regularly in our home and life, so we keep her close to our mind and heart.
Message number 5 and 6, I can tell she was sounding low and tired, not herself. She tried very hard to keep positive and upbeat, but some days she just couldn't fake it with family and we'd see her fold. That broke my heart when I knew she was struggling and I couldn't do much to help her with that, only listen and try to comfort her. I had no preconceived ideas of how life would be like without her because I was really hoping it would take a very long time to get there. 20 months was too short. A good thing and a not so good thing all in 1. I guess it was also a good thing for her not to suffer for long, not so good for us because time became so precious.
We will see her again. The waiting game is real and not easy but it is so reassuring to have faith in her coming to life again in the near future, and being without pain and suffering ever again. I won't need the voicemail messages. We'll have her back with us. Cancer-free. Multiple Sclerosis-free. Pain-free. Worry-free. Free.
A new life is just around the corner.
