How to get some sanity. Part 2.

(for Part 1, please see my 1st of January 2014 post)

Can't believe I can finally say something has worked.

Handing over tons of baby clothes, 2 moses baskets, high chair... it's great!!! I even started decluttering my wardrobe, a full bin liner later and I feel like a new woman! Haha. Well, not quite. I see progress and floor space in my laundry/spare room, which is comforting.

I've had a few REALLY positive weeks, where I've felt more like myself, more in control of my feelings and managed to declutter my home and mind a little bit... Happiness, success and contentment swooshed through my veins... that word 'swooshed' is lovely, isn't it? 'Swooshed'. I think Miranda Hart would approve.

This weekend, I admit to having a wobbly. Overwhelmed and out of sorts, to be honest. I'm not saying this for sympathy, that isn't what I'm about. I say it out loud/online because I wish to be open and upfront with my family and friends. I don't wish to be the kind of person who makes life appear all rosy and perfect to the outside world while secretly panicking, sometimes welling up with frustration and fears. Colleagues in the past have often commented on my smiley disposition, calling me 'Smiley Em', sometimes giving out to me for being cheerful. Pah, it amuses me that they considered it strange! I feel intrigued and a little proud to be thought of in that way. Though I don't want anyone who observes my (or anyone else's) external cheerfulness to ever feel like it's never broken or tampered with anxieties behind closed doors. So much so, they may feel uncomfortable or even inadequate about their own abilities. I think herein lies the issue and even negative view about mental health. We shouldn't feel like we can't be honest, when people ask how we are... or when we feel low and want to speak up. Pride too is a dangerous thing.

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is more treacherous than anything else
and is desperate. Who can know it?

And I remind myself and you, my friends, there's no such thing as perfect in this system! We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I'm learning to find and work with my strengths.

I also don't wish to moan. As I sometimes tell my gorgeous little daughter who has her moments, 'lots of moaning doesn't make us beautiful (inside or out)'. It may sound a little harsh, but I'm realistic and she appears to understand what I mean. I want to teach my children that it's okay to have good days, bad days, happy days, sad days, up and down days - and it's okay to express our feelings about them too, good/bad/indifferent. Sure, I'm protective and wish for their days to always be happy ones, but unfortunately we are in the lowest line of imperfect humans and this isn't really possible. We can try to make the best of them though :)

So, I forgot my lunch on Friday for the first time in years and was rescued by my lovely father. Made a silly mistake and broke down while driving yesterday (I know, I'm still learning, I should expect these bad days). Felt overwhelmed while it poured with rain yesterday on our family morning out and burst into tears. Panicked and shouted at my child today because they were doing something dangerous and didn't know it, they sulked until I calmly cuddled them explaining I wasn't cross, but I was scared, I loved them that much, they're irreplaceable, hence I reacted and shouted so loudly in the hope that they would stop, which they did.

This weekend has not been an easy one. An emotional ferris wheel. Felt like a failure at points. I did find pockets of sanity and happiness during a few moments though. When my husband made me a hot chocolate and gave me a proper cwtch (Welsh for a lovely warm hug), when our baby boy expressed 'Song, Amen, 'hovah' during our morning meeting, when our little girl sang a cute made-up song in the car on the way home after my blubbering episode yesterday morning and she also made her bed look beautiful this morning. Propped up cushions and everything.

I am grateful for my little things. I hope you can be too.

Tomorrow is Monday. Plenty to do. School starts again. I'll be cleaning up the same daily/weekly messes. Washing machine will be on full blast. Maybe the dryer too. The stereo, most definitely.