Still not used to it.

I found this blog, looking lonely in drafts. 

Reading it gives me all the feels again. I've come a long way. It's now 4 years and 9 months since we lost Mum and I still have my moments, my memories and my meltdowns. There have been nights where I have sobbed myself to sleep. It's been a while since the last time that happened, but I remember being inconsolable.

One thing is for certain though, it hasn't been boring since 2017. 

We moved country with Grandad so he would have the best care and we would have a home closer to family too, losing Grandad unexpectedly 3 months later (at the ripe age of 100 years, 10 months) wasn't easy, a global pandemic followed, along with ill health, missing my Dad and our favourite people, my lovely husband was unwell and eventually was diagnosed with a debilitating and rare neurological condition, my Dad moving country (closer to us), I chose to change jobs as I'm needed closer to home now and we're still home educating,  which is going really well. 

It's been full on, silly busy but I feel stronger for it, so I want to share my hopes and my goals with you too. I'll let you in after you have a little read of my lonely draft:

"Feeling vulnerable is not something I like to feel. Last week, I felt so emotional and stressed about different things and on Tuesday, after the children went to school, I broke into tears. Wanting my Mum.
It's been 15 months since Mum passed away and while it doesn't weigh on my mind every second, thoughts of her come to mind pretty much daily. She was a good listener. Even if she spoke a little soon at times (I get that from her, I guess), she was really good at being there as a listening ear, giving practical advice and sharing a kettle. I really appreciated her in my adult years, more so after I gave birth to my babies.

To me, my close family are my security blanket, my go-to when I need a hug or a cuppa. Not wanting to be a burden is a big feeling for me but I'm thankful for them being there and not giving up on me, and hopefully not being disappointed with me."

To continue, I still feel similar but I have more life experience and self belief under my belt. Living in a new country, closer to my husband's family and now my Dad is living closer to us again - it all reminds me that:

1) my Mum isn't here and she'll be shocked when she finds out what we've all been coping with;

2) family truly is everything;

3) home is where my little family is;

4) we really can set up home anywhere and we'll be okay, we'll keep our great friends and we'll make some new great friends but noone will be replaced, it'll just be a little different (on that note, I really need to improve on my communication with friends);

5) most importantly, we can achieve anything when we put full faith in our best supporter, our Heavenly Father. 

Remember, family is everything. 

My hopes are that we find our new balance soon, including ways to celebrate the wins more often and exclude any worry or upset relating to unnecessary external pressures.  We do our very best with what limits we have. A resilient team. A force to be reckoned with.