Half through my counselling sessions and feeling thoughtful.
I've recently been more aware of my high anxiety, and have take some steps to help myself through it. Medication is helping, makes it a bit more bearable, but it's not the answer. I am.
Accepting help, being vulnerable and feeling in the moment are things I struggle with. Mind races, thoughts rewire, control fades and left breathless. Brain spirals and changes a good moment into a wobbly moment without notice.
Feeling under pressure to keep up with others leaves me drained and balance is rarely my first port of call.
Last weekend, I accepted a spontaneous offer of an evening out with friends, new and not so new. Miss T and I travelled over 40 minutes to a light sandy beach under a pink and blue blanket. We ate delicious chips, spent time with lovely company and good conversation. Fireworks lit the sky after dark and we enjoyed the moment with many families scattered on the sand.
My phone is full. No memory of this evening but I thought "last session, I was reminded to live in the moment and let anxiety leave. Friends will take photos, I can always ask for a copy" so I did. I checked that my daughter was safe and nearby, my handbag was tucked in by my crossed legs, and I sat still... facing the pops of colour in the air, sand in my hands and peace in my heart.
It was so good. I didn't stress about the carpet fittings, new extractor fan, moving day, heavy lifting, the carpark queue, the drive home in the dark, work the next morning.
I just sat still.
Need to do that more often. T had a great evening, loved every moment. I had a lovely time. This moment was a moment to remember. Simple, sitting still, feeling the moment.
I'll come back to this post when I need a reminder, in the hope that I etch it into my mind for future reference.
In the moment. Mindful and possible.
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