Our favourite time in the morning is when the kids come into our bed for a chat and cuddle before breakfast.
Somehow, the topic of inheritance cropped up after Dan read a news article about empty homes. He joked:
"Mummy and I have it in our will that all our money will go to our favourite child."
Without hesitation, Jude (10) piped up:
Yay!
We all roared with laughter!
This is the bit people rarely talk about.
When a parent with young children has a debilitating medical condition, that has come on over time or suddenly, and the effects on the entire family.
Our 9 year old son burst into tears this evening, all of a sudden. I wasn't sure what triggered it but I knew he was feeling a lot. After gentle questions while my arm wrapped around him, I deciphered the puzzle. His daddy, who is recovering from Covid (we all are), was having his muscle spasms. A lovely but sad song had just played and our son just had all the feels in that moment. Sadness, upset, drain, uncertainty, worry.
When a parent becomes ill, roles seem to reverse a bit. Children become carers, sensitive to the needs of others around them. At first, I was really concerned. Wishing our kids didn't have to go through this at all, and thinking about how difficult it will be for them to cope. After living in it for a while, I recognized that it might actually be our family's superpower, adopted out of necessity.
I'm a firm believer in life experiences being a useful tool in later life, if and when others we know start to go through a similar experience.
Navigating others through difficult life journeys, when you have no experience at all, is a minefield.
I really appreciated when I could chat about cancer with friends who had been through it and who had lost their parent to this awful disease. So now, almost 6 years later, I've found myself supporting others as their family members steer and veer through their cancer journeys and otherwise. I feel more powerful because of my own valuable, valid experiences. Hopeful and confident that my friends know I understand a measure of what they are going through.
Sharing is not easy, but as we go along, we need to share. It's essential for coping. Without a hand or a shoulder, we can dive blindly into choppy waters and feel helpless while trying to tread. Humans need each other. It's how we're created.
So from our little family to yours, please know we get you. We try not to dwell on the negatives but we choose to be open and honest about our experience, in the hope it helps another family. Let's all do this if we can. It can be quite cathartic.
Jude has just woken up. It's almost 9am and he doesn't know it yet, but it's a snow day today (in March).
In he comes for a cwtch and I ask him if he has looked outside.
He looks out, gets all excited and as he leaves the room, he says "Yesterday and today have been really good days. Yesterday, I got chicken bakes in the freezer!" 🥰 Easily pleased.
He's now getting dressed for snow.
I think we've lost our 10 year old to snow this morning and I'm totally okay with that. Home ed can wait.
Half through my counselling sessions and feeling thoughtful.
I've recently been more aware of my high anxiety, and have take some steps to help myself through it. Medication is helping, makes it a bit more bearable, but it's not the answer. I am.
Feeling under pressure to keep up with others leaves me drained and balance is rarely my first port of call.
Last weekend, I accepted a spontaneous offer of an evening out with friends, new and not so new. Miss T and I travelled over 40 minutes to a light sandy beach under a pink and blue blanket. We ate delicious chips, spent time with lovely company and good conversation. Fireworks lit the sky after dark and we enjoyed the moment with many families scattered on the sand.
My phone is full. No memory of this evening but I thought "last session, I was reminded to live in the moment and let anxiety leave. Friends will take photos, I can always ask for a copy" so I did. I checked that my daughter was safe and nearby, my handbag was tucked in by my crossed legs, and I sat still... facing the pops of colour in the air, sand in my hands and peace in my heart.
It was so good. I didn't stress about the carpet fittings, new extractor fan, moving day, heavy lifting, the carpark queue, the drive home in the dark, work the next morning.
I just sat still.
Need to do that more often. T had a great evening, loved every moment. I had a lovely time. This moment was a moment to remember. Simple, sitting still, feeling the moment.
I'll come back to this post when I need a reminder, in the hope that I etch it into my mind for future reference.
In the moment. Mindful and possible.
I found this blog, looking lonely in drafts.
Reading it gives me all the feels again. I've come a long way. It's now 4 years and 9 months since we lost Mum and I still have my moments, my memories and my meltdowns. There have been nights where I have sobbed myself to sleep. It's been a while since the last time that happened, but I remember being inconsolable.
One thing is for certain though, it hasn't been boring since 2017.
We moved country with Grandad so he would have the best care and we would have a home closer to family too, losing Grandad unexpectedly 3 months later (at the ripe age of 100 years, 10 months) wasn't easy, a global pandemic followed, along with ill health, missing my Dad and our favourite people, my lovely husband was unwell and eventually was diagnosed with a debilitating and rare neurological condition, my Dad moving country (closer to us), I chose to change jobs as I'm needed closer to home now and we're still home educating, which is going really well.
It's been full on, silly busy but I feel stronger for it, so I want to share my hopes and my goals with you too. I'll let you in after you have a little read of my lonely draft:
To continue, I still feel similar but I have more life experience and self belief under my belt. Living in a new country, closer to my husband's family and now my Dad is living closer to us again - it all reminds me that:
1) my Mum isn't here and she'll be shocked when she finds out what we've all been coping with;
2) family truly is everything;
3) home is where my little family is;
4) we really can set up home anywhere and we'll be okay, we'll keep our great friends and we'll make some new great friends but noone will be replaced, it'll just be a little different (on that note, I really need to improve on my communication with friends);
5) most importantly, we can achieve anything when we put full faith in our best supporter, our Heavenly Father.
Yesterday evening, our son was playing in our bed, going under the quilt and shouting "sumbarine"...(yes, he is saying it wrong). I asked him to go and get a book so I could read to him before bed.
He quickly replied "I can't, I'm under water!" 🤣
